Sweet Maddie

Tomorrow is Madilynn's 1st birthday. I can't believe how fast she has grown! She is a walking maniac. She is a sweet little girl with a personality to match.
If I am honest with myself, reflecting and processing the events of that day is a struggle for me. I would like to be able to pick and choose what my mind registered and recorded, but I can't. A joyful event took a deathly turn. Tomorrow I am forced to relive the one thing I have tried all year to avoid and stuff down. This past year I have been walking through postpartum depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I sound like a nut case! (I guess I am one)
God's hand on Maddie is undeniable. From saving the pregnancy at the 10 week mark even after a day of heavy hemorrhaging, to dissolving 2 large brain cysts found during an ultrasound, to preserving her life when her heart beat was undetectable on the operating table. That last event is the one that has yet to fully heal. And because of that I am stuck, stuck on December 10th, 2009. I do not want to think about fading in and out of consciousness, or the room suddenly filled with doctors, and specialists and more nurses than I thought possible. The most experienced c-section doctor just "happened" to be working that morning, as was the director of anesthesiology. I closed my eyes and tried to pray it all away. Even when was wheeled down to the OR for an unplanned c-section,I thought it was all a dream. Somewhere in the hallway, I detached myself emotionally. The last thing I remember is seeing that large circle operating light pulled towards me, and then I lost it. I heard the fate voice of the nurse praying for me, and telling me to hold on. The concern in the doctors voices as they could not prep me properly without Madilynn's vitals disappearing. So I was put under, and missed her entrance to the world. I missed her first cries, the warmth of her naked little body on my chest before they clean her off, seeing Tim cut the cord. Tim missed that all too. He was not allowed to come into the operating room pending the circumstances. He was left to sit alone in the room and worry. I found out days later that the doctor was not so sure she would survive. But God had other plans. Not only did she survive but she is thriving and smashing through developmental stages. But each morning I am reminded of that day when I see that scar etched across my abdomen. I want to begin to see it as a symbol of God's faithfulness and love and not the trauma that I think it is.

Thank you Lord for Maddie. Thank you for saving her and me that cold December morning. Help me to lay down these burdens of sadness and to receive your joy. Thank you for the support of friends and family this past year. And I ask that as I celebrate Maddie"s big day tomorrow, that it would be a day of true celebration of your goodness.